You've probably felt that knot in your stomach when your child looks at you with pleading eyes and says, "I don't want to go to Dad's house" or "Do I have to stay at Mom's this weekend?" In that moment, a dozen thoughts race through your mind. Are they trying to manipulate the situation? Is something wrong at the other parent's house? Should you force them to go, or does this mean you need to call your lawyer?
When your child doesn't want to go to the other parent's house, it rarely means what it sounds like on the surface. Most parents hear rejection of the other parent, but children are often expressing something completely different. Understanding the real reasons behind this resistance – and knowing how to respond appropriately – can make the difference between escalating conflict and helping your child navigate their complex feelings about living in two homes.
Let's dig deeper into what your child might actually be telling you and how you can respond in ways that support both your child's wellbeing and a healthy co-parenting relationship.
What "I Don't Want to Go" Usually Means
The words "I don't want to go to Mom's house" or "I don't want to stay at Dad's" can send any parent into panic mode, but these statements are rarely about rejecting the other parent. Children often lack the vocabulary and emotional sophistication to express what they're really feeling, so they default to the most direct statement they can make.
More often than not, "I don't want to go" actually means "I don't want to leave you" or "I'm comfortable here right now." Your child isn't necessarily rejecting their other parent – they're expressing attachment to their current situation. This is actually a healthy sign that they feel secure and connected to you, even though it creates a difficult moment for everyone involved.
Think about it from your child's perspective. They've settled into a routine at your house, they know where everything is, they feel comfortable, and now they have to pack up and adjust to a different environment with different rules, different food, and different expectations. Even when they love both parents equally, transitions require emotional energy that children don't always have readily available.
Common Reasons Behind the Resistance
Understanding the root cause of your child's reluctance helps you respond more effectively. Here are the most common reasons children resist transitions, none of which necessarily indicate problems with the other parent:
- Transition anxiety: Some children struggle with any change in routine or environment, regardless of where they're going
- Fear of missing out: They're worried about missing a playdate, sports practice, or time with friends in their current neighborhood
- Comfort with routine: They're deeply settled into the rhythm and rules of your household
- Loyalty concerns: They worry that wanting to see their other parent means they're betraying you
- Developmental stage: Younger children especially struggle with the abstract concept of time and when they'll see you again
- Social pressures: They don't want friends to know about the divorce or custody arrangements
- Simple logistics: They forgot something important at the other house or don't want to pack again
Each of these reasons requires a different response. A child who's anxious about transitions needs reassurance and preparation, while a child who's missing social activities might benefit from better communication between parents about scheduling.
How to Respond in the Moment
When your child says they don't want to go, your immediate response sets the tone for how they'll handle future transitions. Resist the urge to probe for problems with the other parent or to feel secretly pleased that they want to stay with you. Instead, focus on validating their feelings while maintaining the expectation that they'll follow the custody arrangement.
Start with empathy: "I can see you're feeling upset about leaving. It's hard to switch between houses sometimes." This acknowledges their feelings without agreeing that they shouldn't go. Then, gently redirect: "I know it feels difficult right now, but you're going to have a good time with Mom/Dad. They're excited to see you, and you'll be back here on Sunday."
Avoid getting pulled into negotiations or lengthy discussions about whether they have to go. The custody arrangement isn't up for debate, but their feelings about it are always valid. You might say something like: "I understand you wish you could stay here tonight. Sometimes I wish we could all live in the same house too. But right now, this is how our family works, and Dad is looking forward to your special weekend together."
Keep transitions brief and matter-of-fact. Extended goodbyes often increase anxiety rather than providing comfort. Have their bag ready, give them a hug, remind them when you'll see them next, and help them get out the door. Your calm confidence helps them feel secure about the transition.
When to Dig Deeper
While most resistance to visitation stems from normal transition difficulties, there are times when you need to investigate further. The key is learning to distinguish between typical childhood reluctance and genuine concerns that need attention.
Pay attention to changes in behavior rather than just words. A child who suddenly becomes withdrawn after visits, shows regression in behavior, has nightmares, or demonstrates significant changes in eating or sleeping patterns may be experiencing something beyond normal transition stress. Similarly, if your previously adaptable child suddenly develops intense, persistent resistance that doesn't improve over time, it's worth exploring further.
Listen for specific concerns rather than general complaints. "Dad yells a lot" is different from "I don't like Dad's cooking." "Mom's boyfriend makes me uncomfortable" requires different attention than "Mom makes me go to bed too early." When children offer concrete details about their experiences, take note and ask gentle follow-up questions.
- Ask open-ended questions: "Tell me about your weekend" rather than "Did something bad happen?"
- Watch for patterns: Is the resistance getting worse over time or staying consistent?
- Consider timing: Is this coinciding with other stressors like school problems or family changes?
- Document concerns: Keep notes about specific incidents or behaviors without jumping to conclusions
- Consult professionals: When in doubt, a family therapist can help sort through complex emotions
Working With the Other Parent
Your child's resistance to transitions affects both households, so addressing it usually requires some level of cooperation with your co-parent. This can feel challenging, especially if your relationship is strained, but focusing on your child's needs helps keep conversations productive.
Start by sharing information rather than blame. Instead of "Emma says she doesn't want to come to your house," try "Emma's been having some difficulty with transitions lately. She seems anxious about switching houses. Have you noticed anything similar?" This frames the issue as a shared challenge rather than a problem with one parent.
Work together on practical solutions. Maybe your child needs more predictability in the schedule, or perhaps they're struggling because their favorite stuffed animal is always at the wrong house. Sometimes simple logistics changes can dramatically improve a child's comfort with transitions. Consider whether the timing of switches works well, whether your child has appropriate belongings at both houses, and whether the transition process itself could be smoother.
If direct communication with your co-parent is difficult, consider using email to share information about your child's struggles with transitions. This allows both parents to think through responses rather than reacting defensively in the moment. Focus on observable behaviors and practical solutions rather than interpretations or blame.
Supporting Your Child Long-Term
Helping your child adjust to life in two homes is an ongoing process, not a problem you solve once. Building their resilience and comfort with transitions takes time, patience, and consistent support from both parents.
Create positive associations with transitions by focusing on what they have to look forward to at the other house. "I know you'll miss me, and I'll miss you too. I'm also excited that you get to work on that puzzle with Dad this weekend." This validates their sadness about leaving while highlighting positive aspects of where they're going.
Help them develop coping strategies for missing you when they're at the other house. This might include a special photo they keep in their backpack, a stuffed animal that travels between houses, or a ritual like texting you goodnight. These comfort objects and routines help children feel connected to both parents even when they're physically separated.
Most importantly, avoid putting your child in the middle of adult conflicts. When they express reluctance about going to the other parent's house, resist the temptation to probe for information you can use in custody disputes or to validate your own negative feelings about your co-parent. Your child needs to feel safe expressing their emotions without worrying that they're hurting or betraying either parent.
Key Takeaways
- "I don't want to go" usually means "I don't want to leave you," not "I don't want to see them." Most resistance comes from normal transition anxiety rather than problems with the other parent.
- Validate feelings while maintaining expectations. Acknowledge that transitions are hard while still following through with the custody arrangement.
- Look for behavioral changes, not just complaints. Significant shifts in your child's behavior after visits may warrant deeper investigation.
- Work collaboratively when possible. Share information with your co-parent and focus on practical solutions that help your child feel more comfortable.
- Build long-term coping skills. Help your child develop healthy ways to manage missing you and transitioning between homes.