"I don't want to go to Dad's house." The words hit you like a punch to the gut, especially when they come from your eight-year-old who's usually excited about everything. Maybe it's your teenager suddenly finding every excuse in the book to avoid their weekend visit, or your preschooler clinging to your leg and crying when it's time for the custody exchange. Whatever the age, when your child refuses visitation with their other parent, you're caught in an impossible position—torn between honoring the custody agreement, protecting your child's feelings, and trying not to make an already difficult situation worse.
The truth is, custody resistance happens in many co-parenting families, and it rarely means what we fear it means. Your first instinct might be panic—is something wrong at the other house? Are you somehow failing as a parent? Should you force them to go or respect their wishes? These moments test every co-parenting principle you've tried to follow, and there's no simple answer that works for every situation.
But here's what child development experts and family therapists have learned: how you handle these moments can either strengthen your family's long-term stability or create lasting damage. The goal isn't just getting your child to comply with the custody schedule—it's helping them navigate their complex feelings while maintaining healthy relationships with both parents. Let's walk through five essential steps that can help you respond thoughtfully when your child resists going to their other parent's house.
Step 1: Listen Without Immediately Problem-Solving
When your child says they don't want to go to their other parent's house, your parental instincts kick into overdrive. You want to fix it, explain it away, or get to the bottom of it immediately. But the most powerful thing you can do in that moment is simply listen—really listen—without jumping into solution mode.
Create space for your child to express their feelings without fear of judgment or immediate consequences. Sit down at their eye level and use phrases like 'Tell me more about that' or 'That sounds really hard.' Avoid asking leading questions like 'Did something bad happen at Dad's?' which can inadvertently plant ideas or make your child feel pressured to justify their feelings with dramatic explanations.
Sometimes what sounds like visitation refusal is actually your child processing other emotions. Maybe they're anxious about a school presentation next week and want the comfort of their familiar routine. Perhaps they're feeling guilty about having fun at the other house, or they're simply tired from bouncing between two homes. A seven-year-old might say 'I hate going to Mom's' when what they really mean is 'I miss you when I'm gone' or 'I wish our family was still together.'
Here's what this looks like in practice: Instead of immediately reassuring them that 'everything will be fine' or asking 'what's wrong over there,' try reflecting back what you hear. 'It sounds like you're feeling worried about going' or 'You seem really sad about leaving here.' This validation often helps children open up about the real issues, which are frequently different from what you initially assumed.
Step 2: Separate Your Own Emotions from Your Child's Experience
This might be the hardest part of handling custody resistance, because your child's reluctance to visit their other parent can trigger your own complicated feelings. Maybe you're secretly relieved they want to stay with you, or you're worried this reflects poorly on your co-parenting efforts. You might feel angry at your ex for somehow causing this situation, or guilty that the divorce has put your child in this position.
These feelings are completely normal, but they can't drive your response. Children are incredibly perceptive—they pick up on your emotional reactions even when you think you're hiding them well. If they sense that their reluctance to visit the other parent pleases you or creates drama, they may unconsciously exaggerate their resistance to protect you or avoid disappointing you.
Take a step back and examine your own motivations honestly. Are you asking follow-up questions out of genuine concern for your child's wellbeing, or because part of you wants ammunition in your co-parenting conflict? Are you rushing to solve the problem because you want what's best for your child, or because you're afraid of what your ex will think if you can't 'handle' the situation?
- Remember that your child's resistance isn't about you. Even if they're saying they want to stay with you, they're usually processing their own feelings about the divorce, change, or growing up.
- Don't make it a loyalty test. Avoid phrases like 'I thought you loved spending time with Mom' or 'Don't you want to see your stepdad?' These put children in the impossible position of having to choose sides.
- Check your own disappointment. If you were looking forward to your child-free time, it's okay to feel frustrated—just don't let that frustration influence how you handle their emotions.
Step 3: Collaborate with Your Co-Parent (Even When It's Hard)
Here's where many co-parents stumble: they either avoid telling the other parent about the resistance (hoping it will resolve itself) or they deliver the news in a way that sounds accusatory. Both approaches usually make child custody issues worse and put your child in an even more difficult position.
Instead, reach out to your co-parent with the mindset that you're solving this together. Start the conversation by acknowledging that this is about your child's wellbeing, not about proving who's the better parent. You might say something like: 'Emma seemed really anxious about the transition today. She's not able to put it into words yet, but I wanted to give you a heads up so we can figure out how to help her together.'
This collaboration is crucial because often, your child behaves differently in each home. Maybe they're expressing resistance to you but haven't said anything to their other parent. Or perhaps they've mentioned feeling homesick at both houses but never when you're all together. Comparing notes helps you see the full picture instead of making decisions based on incomplete information.
Sometimes you'll discover that your co-parent has noticed the same behavior, or they might share context you didn't have. Maybe your child is nervous about a new bedtime routine, or they're missing a comfort item that usually travels between homes. Occasionally, you'll uncover more serious concerns that require immediate attention—but more often, you'll find small adjustments that can make big differences in your child's comfort level.
If your relationship with your co-parent is particularly strained, consider communicating through email or text so you can take time to craft thoughtful responses. Focus on specific behaviors rather than interpretations: 'Jake said his stomach hurt when I mentioned going to your house' rather than 'Jake doesn't want to come because he's stressed about your new rules.'
Step 4: Make Small Adjustments Before Big Changes
When faced with visitation refusal, many parents assume they need to overhaul the entire custody arrangement or have serious conversations about major changes. But often, the most effective solutions are smaller adjustments that address your child's specific concerns without disrupting the overall stability of their routine.
Start by identifying what your child is actually worried about. Are they anxious about forgetting homework at the other house? Do they miss their pet when they're away? Are they overwhelmed by different rules or routines? Sometimes children resist transitions not because they don't want to see their other parent, but because the logistics of moving between homes feel overwhelming.
- Address practical concerns first. Create checklists for packing, establish consistent pickup times, or find ways to make the transition feel more predictable.
- Honor comfort objects and routines. Maybe your child needs their favorite stuffed animal to travel with them, or they benefit from calling you before bedtime when they're at the other house.
- Adjust timing when possible. If your child struggles with Sunday night transitions before school, consider switching to Friday pickups when the schedule allows.
- Create connection bridges. Some families find success with shared photo albums, family group chats (age-appropriate), or letting children bring something from one house to the other.
Remember that what works for one child might not work for another, even within the same family. Your nine-year-old might need more advance notice about schedule changes, while your five-year-old might do better with simple, day-of reminders. Pay attention to your individual child's personality and adjustment style rather than applying one-size-fits-all solutions.
Sometimes the resistance isn't about the destination—it's about the transition itself. Children who struggle with change might benefit from transition rituals, like listening to a special playlist in the car or stopping for a snack on the way. Others might need more time to say goodbye, or they might do better with quick, matter-of-fact transitions that don't drag out the emotional difficulty.
Step 5: Know When to Seek Professional Support
Most custody resistance resolves with patience, good communication, and small adjustments. But there are times when visitation refusal signals deeper issues that require professional intervention. Learning to recognize these situations—and knowing how to access appropriate help—can prevent small problems from becoming major co-parenting conflicts.
Consider seeking support from a family therapist or child psychologist when your child's resistance persists despite your best efforts, or when it's accompanied by other concerning changes. If your normally outgoing child becomes withdrawn, if they're having trouble sleeping or eating, or if they express fears that seem disproportionate to the situation, professional guidance can help you understand what's really happening.
Also pay attention to your own stress levels and those of your co-parent. When custody resistance creates ongoing conflict between adults, children often sense that tension and may escalate their own resistance as a way of trying to protect their parents or avoid making the situation worse. A family therapist can help you develop communication strategies that keep your child out of the middle of adult disagreements.
- Look for patterns beyond visitation. Is your child having trouble with transitions at school or with friends? Are they showing signs of anxiety in other areas of their life?
- Consider developmental factors. Sometimes what looks like custody resistance is actually normal developmental behavior—like a toddler going through a clingy phase or a teenager asserting independence.
- Don't wait for a crisis. Many families benefit from a few sessions with a therapist who specializes in divorce and co-parenting, even when there isn't a major problem to solve.
- Remember that seeking help shows strength. Getting professional support demonstrates your commitment to your child's wellbeing and your willingness to put their needs first.
Professional support doesn't always mean long-term therapy. Sometimes a few sessions can provide you with strategies and perspective that make a significant difference. Many communities also offer co-parenting classes or support groups where you can learn from other families who have navigated similar challenges.
Key Takeaways
- Listen first, problem-solve second. Your child's resistance often communicates deeper feelings that need acknowledgment before you can address the practical issues.
- Keep your own emotions in check. Children pick up on your reactions to their visitation concerns—make sure your response prioritizes their wellbeing over your own complicated feelings about co-parenting.
- Work with your co-parent as a team. Even difficult relationships can benefit from collaborative problem-solving when the focus stays on your child's needs rather than adult conflicts.
- Start with small adjustments. Most custody resistance can be addressed through minor changes to routines, timing, or transition strategies rather than major schedule overhauls.
- Know when to get help. Professional support can provide valuable perspective and strategies, especially when resistance persists or is accompanied by other concerning behaviors.